Closet Troubles
by firefly827347
Summary: There's a faulty closet in Atlantis. And it's causing all sorts of mayhem...
1. Volume 1

_Finally, my writer's block has left me alone for a while! I got the idea for this story from Ruthie and __her Stationary Cupboard Saga, and thankfully she let me 'borrow' the main concept. So thanks Ruthie! Also, I would like to thank BiteMeTechie because she's the one that made me realise just how good McKay & Cadman would be together. (Everybody who hasn't already needs to go and read **I'm Not!** and **Neither Am I** by Techie. I demand it.)_

_Anyways, I hope you like it. Oh, and there is a slight spoiler for Grace Under Pressure somewhere._

* * *

"Crap." 

The object Rodney had placed in the doorway to stop the malfunctioning door from locking him in a very dark closet had just done the opposite.

"Lights. Where are the damn lights?"

Apparently, those were malfunctioning as well.

"God, what is wrong with this place? It's supposed to contain some of the most advanced technology known to mankind, not to mention the brightest minds in two galaxies, and yet not one person can be bothered to get off their ass to change a damn light bulb and have a poke around in the door panel."

Reluctantly deciding that he would have to be that person, he made his way over to the door. And promptly walked into a wall.

"Okay, so the door isn't this way. Take two." He said irately, ignoring the fact that his immense fear of small spaces had just smacked him in the face.

Just then, a light appeared from somewhere, and a shadow stepped into the room.

"Hey, wait, hold the-"

The light vanished.

"Door." He groaned.

"What?" Came a voice.

"Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Not you. Why _you_? Please God let this be a nightmare…" For emphasis, Rodney clasped his hands together and looked up at the ceiling. Well, he supposed it was the ceiling. He was so disorientated, it may well have been the floor.

"Rodney? That you?"

"Yes." He mumbled through gritted teeth.

"Oh." Cadman replied. "Why's it so dark?"

Rodney made a sound that was indistinguishable, as he now had his face in his hands.

"I see." She replied sarcastically. He groaned.

"Why _you_? Why's it always _you_?" His muffled voice whined.

"Hey! What did I do?" She said indignantly.

"Well, for a start, you didn't hold the damn door!" He replied harshly.

"You only asked when I was already in here! And besides, why didn't you open it yourself?"

"Because it isn't working properly and has locked itself."

"Oh. Tried your radio?"

"Not got one."

"Oh." She repeated."Me either."

"Oh hell. I'm trapped in a closet with the spawn of the she-devil."

There was a thump, a moan, and the whirring sound of Rodney's brain trying to calculate what the probability actually was of Cadman successfully managing to lob a projectile at him in a confined space in the pitch darkness.

"OW! What the hell was that?" He screeched, his voice going up an octave.

"I have no idea, but I hope there's more in here." She muttered.

"What are you doing here anyway?" He asked, rubbing his head.

"What are _you_ doing here?" She countered.

"I asked first!"

"Oh, you're such a whiny baby." She snapped.

"I'll have you know that I am extremely claustrophobic and liable to collapse in a panic attack at any moment! Plus the fact that I've not had anything to eat for at least twenty minutes – I mean, I can already feel a hypoglycaemic reaction coming on…"

Cadman took a deep breath and started to count to ten. She got to four, gave up, and fumbled around for something else to throw at him.

"…so therefore I think I have a right to be whiny. Wait a second. I am not whiny! And I'm not a baby either!" He continued.

Her hand closed around something on a shelf. It felt like a wooden pole, and she realised that this must be where Teyla and Ronon kept their training equipment.

"Rodney, I swear to God, if you don't shut up right this second, I am going to take this wooden pole I have in my hand and shove it where the sun don't shine."

There was a snort.

"SIDEWAYS."

There was a nervous chuckle.

"What wooden pole?" He asked edgily.

She swung it. It smacked him in the arm.

"Okay, ow! Unwanted physical contact!"

"Well I sure as hell enjoyed that..." She said under her breath.

"Point taken. Shutting up. Which way is the door?"

"What, you mean you aren't enjoying this?" She asked sarcastically.

"Yes. I'm absolutely thrilled to be locked in a dark, confined, small space, having objects thrown at my head – I could have concussion, you know – and to be assaulted by a girl armed with a stick."

Her eyes flashed through the darkness and she swiped at him again. Surprisingly, he caught the baton in mid-swing, and yanked it towards him. Caught off-guard, she went with it, and they both ended up in a heap on the floor.

"Now _this_ I think I could learn to enjoy." He said darkly to the flustered form positioned on top of him. He received an elbow in the ribs as punishment.

"Ugh." He grunted, and rolled over, ignoring her protests as she tumbled off of him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I've found an exception to my "_I love blondes_ rule." He groaned, clambering to his feet.

"Hey, this isn't exactly a picnic for me either, McKay." She replied. "You never did say what you're doing in here."

"Neither did you." He muttered, feeling his way around the walls for the door.

"Ugh, MEN!" She hissed.

"I know. We're so annoying and self-centred and egotistical." He replied absent-mindedly as his fingers found the door panel. Laura was silent for a moment.

"What?" She was confused. Did Rodney _really_ just admit to being those things?

"Don't act so surprised. I've been told that many times. Probably most of all by Samantha Carter…" He trailed off as he concentrated on flipping open the door panel. "Aha." He said under his breath.

"What?" She asked.

"Oh, I've just found out why we're locked in here. But it would take too long to explain to you, as you haven't even the basic knowledge of how this kind of technology works, so I suggest you keep quiet and let me get on with it."

If the lights had been working, Rodney would have seen the death-glare she was giving him. He would also have received another clout, but as she'd lost the pole when she fell on top of him, she couldn't find anything else to smack his brains out with. Instead, she sighed and sat on the floor in the exact spot she'd been standing. There was now a dim light coming from the crystals in the door panel, so she could just about make out McKay's shape. He was leaning against the wall, not even touching the door panel.

"Hey! Why aren't you trying to fix it?" She snapped.

"Like I told you. You have no idea how it works."

He heard her growl.

"But… seeing as you seem so interested, let me put it in words you'll understand." He smiled smugly. "Door crystals not working. Me remove door crystals, door still not work. Me _reset_ door controls, door work. 'Kay?"

She glowered at him in the dark. Rodney seemed to have noticed her reaction despite not being to really see her, as he continued in a less patronizing tone.

"Oh, look. The crystals don't seem to be working, so I've reset the system, which should hopefully clear away the malfunction. Until it reboots, there's nothing more I can do but wait."

"What about the lights?"

"Nope. All part of the same system. Won't work until the door does."

She groaned. "And how long will that take exactly?"

"I'm not sure. Could take hours."

Actually, he was sure. It wouldn't take nearly that long. But he wasn't going to tell her that. He was having _way_ too much fun.

"Great. Just great." She muttered, fumbling around the floor for the pole. If she was going to be stuck in here with _him_, she could at least have some fun poking him until they were freed.

"Looking for this?" He asked cheerily, prodding her with it. He'd found it near the wall.

"Stop it." She said seriously, trying not to laugh. Even though they were stuck here in the dark, he still managed to make light of the situation. She would remedy that. "Aren't you supposed to be claustrophobic? I'd have expected you to be rolling around on the floor by now, whining about how you're gonna die."

"Okay, one. Being trapped in a sinking, leaking puddle jumper under hundreds of feet of ocean kind of made me get over my claustrophobia a little. Two. It's dark, so I can't actually see how small the space is in here, seeing as I've never been in here before to judge. Three. I do NOT whine. Four. I know that we are not going to die-"

"It's never stopped you moaning about it before…" She muttered. He cleared his throat and ignored her.

"Five. It's not so bad in here."

"And where did you figure that one out, genius?" She asked sarcastically.

"Well, put it this way. I'd rather be stuck in a closet with you than, say, Kavanagh."

"Oh, well thank you." She said, rolling her eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, I'm serious." She raised her eyebrows.

"How did you know I was rolling my eyes?"

"Well, it's the sort of thing you would do, so I guessed. And I see that I was right." She groaned. He could be so-

"I know, I know. I'm smug and annoying."

And how did he do that? Know what she was thinking? Man, she would need weeks of therapy after this.

"At least one good thing comes out of this." Rodney piped up.

"What?" She snapped.

"Dr. Heightmeyer will have the pleasure of your company for weeks after this."

How the hell was he doing that? Now he was freaking her out.

"Can you fix the door yet?" She asked through gritted teeth.

"Nope." He said cheerfully, and started whistling.

"Will you stop being so cheerful?"

"Why? You normally moan that I need to lighten up. Make up your mind, woman."

"Make me."

She received a poke in the ribs.

"Ow!"

"See? Not nice, is it?"

A boot, about the size of a certain female lieutenant's left foot, was hurled in McKay's direction.

"Missed." He continued whistling. She threw the other one at him.

"Missed again. God, who trains you people? I hope they don't rely on you to throw grenades at the enemy. I also suggest you attend anger management courses. You violently overreact to the slightest thing you know..."

That did it. She'd had enough. She clambered to her feet and marched over to where McKay was standing. She raised her fist and pounded on the door.

"Help! Get me out of here!" She yelled.

"Won't work. Soundproofing." She ignored him and continued to bang on the door. She hit a little too hard and her wrist protested.

"Ow!" She inhaled sharply, ceased hammering on the door and clasped her wrist with her other hand.

"See? I told you it was pointless. Not only is there soundproofing, but it's lunch time so every one will be in the mess hall. If you'd listened to me instead of ignoring me as usual, you wouldn't have hurt yourself. You'll take my advice next time, won't you?"

She looked up at his smug face which was slightly lit up from the glowing door panel, and glared at him through the dark haze.

"You are the most arrogant," she punched him in the chest. "…irritating," she punched him again. "…self-centred," and again. "…conceited," she decided to stop hitting him with her sore arm. "…infuriating, condescending-"

She was cut off when he placed his hands on either side of her face, pulling her closer, and pressed his lips to hers. She struggled for a second before relaxing and letting him kiss her. After a few moments, he broke away, leaving her stunned.

"…pain in the ass I've ever known." She finished. "What the hell did you do that for?"

He chuckled nervously. "Well, for starters, you were punching me quite hard. My ribs hate you. Secondly, because you were insulting me and I had to shut you up somehow."

"And thirdly?" She asked quietly, looking dazed.

"I'd have been crazy not to. And we can't have people thinking I'm crazy now, can we?"

"I guess not." She replied absent-mindedly, still shocked.

"How's your arm now?"

She hadn't even noticed him massaging her wrist. She pulled it away.

"Fine."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

They both laughed nervously.

"Guess we'd better get out of here then?" He asked merrily, changing the subject. "Let me see…" He fiddled with the door panel for a second, and the lights sprung back on. "Hello, hello." He muttered. "Door. Open." He paused. "Open?" Nothing. Behind him, Laura bent down and put her boots back on. She then picked up the baton and replaced it on the shelf. She couldn't see the other object she'd thrown at him.

"Okay, for some reason, the door won't open." He said.

"But it just did." She replied.

"Hmm? What? It did?"

"Yeah."

Rodney looked. It was indeed open.

"Um, you guys alright in there?" Major Lorne asked, appearing in the doorway.

"Major! Oh thank God." Rodney exclaimed.

"Thanks a bunch…" Cadman muttered quietly.

"How'd you find us?"

"Uh, I didn't. I was looking for some gym supplies. Heard you talking."

Laura glared at Rodney. "Soundproofing?"

Rodney shot a glance at Lorne.

"The door was already open." The major added.

"Oh." She said. "Right. Well, I'll be off then." She stepped out of the closet.

"Yup. Me too." Rodney said quickly, emerging behind her.

"Bye." She said.

"Bye." He said.

"Bye!" Lorne grinned and waved at her. They both looked at him. Laura glared at the men, before hastily retreating down the hallway. Rodney watched her go, and then looked at Lorne.

"Thank you, major." He said, fumbling in his jacket pocket and handing Lorne a wad of cash.

"No Dr. McKay. Thank _you_." He grinned again and transferred the money to his own pocket. "Did you two have fun in there?"

"It was… memorable." Rodney replied, and flashed a playful smile. Lorne chuckled.

"Let me know if you need another, uh, _session_, with lieutenant Cadman. It was easy to lure her in there. I hid her gym towel." He smirked.

"Will do. Nice trick, by the way. Manipulating the door controls like that."

"Thanks. One of my better ideas. Here's your radio." Lorne handed Rodney an earpiece. "It's been squawking for the past thirty minutes. I had trouble hiding it."

Rodney chuckled. "Sorry." A look of uneasiness crossed his face. "You _did_ say that this would remain-"

"Confidential? Absolutely. If Weir, or Cadman for that matter, found out about this, my life wouldn't be worth living. Hell hath no fury and all that."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Carson would absolutely _kill_ me if he found out." Lorne smirked again. He had no doubt about that. "See you later, duty calls." Rodney added, putting in his earpiece, before patting the major on the shoulder and speeding off down the corridor, deliberately going in the opposite direction to Cadman. He knew she'd be out to get revenge some time, but it had _so_ been worth it…

oOo

A few days later, Lorne was sitting in the mess hall at lunch. He'd noticed, with some amusement, that McKay and Cadman were sitting at opposite ends of the room, as far away from each other as possible. She'd been avoiding him since their encounter in the closet. Lorne glanced up as Colonel Sheppard stood in front of him.

"Anyone sitting here?" John asked.

"No sir, go ahead." Lorne gestured to the empty chair in front of him. John plonked his tray on the table and sat down. He took a sip of coffee and eyed the major suspiciously. Lorne noticed.

"What is it, sir?" He asked his CO edgily.

John glanced around and leaned closer, giving the major a serious look.

"So I've been hearing something about a closet near the gym." He said quietly, raising an eyebrow. Lorne swallowed nervously, but relaxed when Sheppard's face broke into a grin. "What's your hourly rate?"

* * *

_Does anyone think I should continue this? I might be able to come up with another chapter or two. Maybe Lorne could start up a business. Hmm... -starts plotting-_

_Please review, I love reviews, they make me dance with joy and cause my goldfish to think I'm odd. Also, constructive criticism is appreciated._


	2. Volume 2

_Here is it, part two. And I have to apologise for the totally un-funnyness of this one, I guess I used up all my humour on part one. Sorry! But I hope you like it anyways. And to those of you who were looking forward to Shweir, I'm sorry but I'm afraid I have other plans for dear Elizabeth..._

_By the way, if anyone has any suggestions for who to lock up next, please let me know (preferably at the end of a review - hint hint) because there might be some really good pairings out there that my brain hasn't discovered yet. I'm also trying to figure out whether to lock up Carson, and if so who with. And Ronon..._

* * *

Ronon was suspicious. He was always suspicious, but this time, if he had a Spidey sense (or if he even knew what one was), it would be tingling. 

Sheppard had been…well, 'lurking' for want of a better word, around the training gym for the better part of two days. But only, it seemed, when Teyla was not around. He also always seemed to have that major guy – Lorne or something – with him. Something wasn't right. They were being shifty. Especially the shorter guy. His eyes were too close together. _So_ not normal.

There they were again! Right outside the gym. Hmm. Interesting. They're poking at a door panel.

Now what are they doing? Hiding? What the- Ah. Teyla has just arrived with that Cadman woman.

Yes. Ronon was very suspicious indeed…

oOo

"All set?"

"Yup."

"So it's all set up?"

Sigh.

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Look out, here she comes!"

Scuffle. Hide.

"Want me to follow her, sir?"

"Yeah. If we're good to go. Do what you have to do, major."

"On my way, sir."

oOo

"Teyla?"

The woman looked up from her coffee and smiled politely.

"Yes, major?"

"It's Colonel Sheppard ma'am, he needs your help finding some equipment. We were going to train for a while."

"What equipment does he require?" She asked.

"He wasn't specific. He's in the gym right now."

Teyla tapped her earpiece. "Colonel Sheppard?"

"It won't work, ma'am. He doesn't have his radio with him."

Teyla raised an eyebrow. It was rare for John to forget his radio.

"His earpiece was faulty, he's waiting on a new one." Lorne added, noticing her expression.

"Alright, I will help you." She said. She stood up and deposited her empty mug by the sink in the mess hall. Giving Lorne a somewhat troubled smile, she made her way to the gym, as he followed.

oOo

Teyla sighed. Trust John to want to train with something on the top shelf. She didn't even remember putting it there, she could've sworn it had been lower down yesterday.

She tapped her ear, before remembering that John didn't have a radio.

"Colonel?" She called out.

"Yeah?" He yelled in reply from the gym nearby.

"I'm afraid I require some… assistance… in acquiring the equipment you need." No point in over-stretching when he was tall enough to get it. He wanted it in the first place.

"Be right there." John answered. He exited the gym and spied major Lorne waiting around the corner. They grinned at each other – the smiles of two little boys who know they're up to no good and will be in deep trouble if they're discovered, but don't really give a damn. Lorne gave Sheppard the thumbs up, and nodded his head towards the closet, an amused look on his face. John scowled slightly, removed his 'faulty' earpiece from his jacket pocket and handed it to the major.

"Teyla still has hers." Lorne whispered. John nodded, exhaled and went into the closet. He grinned as he spied Teyla stretching one last time for the batons. Her top was riding up. A bit more. And a bit more…

"Here, lemme get that for you." He said, trying to act cool, but suddenly realising how hot it was. She jumped, not realising that he'd arrived, and stopped reaching. John deliberately leaned over her, invading her 'personal space', and stretched to get the bag of poles.

Outside, a certain major pressed a button. There was a hiss and a thud.

"Crap." John said, trying to suppress a grin.

"What is wrong?" Teyla asked, glancing at the now-closed doors.

"Door's gone wonky again."

"Wonky?" She frowned at the new term, making him smile.

"Yeah, this door's been playing up. McKay got locked in here the other day, but he was too 'emotionally traumatized' to come back again. I thought Zelenka was supposed to fix it."

Teyla raised an eyebrow. Something wasn't quite right, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

"Perhaps the door will respond to you."

John nodded as though it were a great idea, and pretended to concentrate.

"Nope. Nothing. Radio Lorne, he's around somewhere. Maybe he can get us out."

She did.

"Sorry, no can do. I tried it from this side, it's jammed." Lorne replied, trying to hold back a chuckle.

"Tell him to get McKay onto it." John whispered.

She did.

"Uh, I'm not sure where he is, but I will if I can find him. I'll do my best, ma'am. Lorne out."

Major Lorne was acting unusually… unhelpful. Something wasn't right.

"Colonel Sheppard." She said in a serious voice. John noticed and had a suspicion the game was up.

"Yes, Teyla?" He said sweetly, in the kind of voice that gives the impression he helps old ladies with their shopping every Saturday and with just the right amount of charm to make him appeal to most women.

Apparently, not Teyla.

"What is going on here?" Sheppard sensed imminent failure of plans. Now he remembered why he never normally went for smart women. They figured out his intentions too damn easily. But there was just something about this galaxy…

He swallowed and smiled nervously. "Whaddya mean?"

"I spoke to lieutenant Cadman this morning. Last week she was locked in this very closet with Dr. McKay. Major Lorne freed them. Today, I am locked in this very closet with you, and still major Lorne seems to be involved."

John gave her an innocent look – the mastered expression that young children make when they point the finger of blame at their long-suffering older siblings – and started to protest. She raised a hand to stop him.

"Colonel, I know that I did not place that bag there yesterday. Someone has moved it."

"Maybe it was Ronon." He said unconvincingly, his smile slipping. Damn. Ratted out.

She gave him a look that suggested he was about to get his ass kicked. When it came to the choice of ass or dignity, he'd take dignity. His ass couldn't take much more kicking. Not that he minded so much when she did it.

"Okay, look. Lorne was just playing a joke on McKay and Cadman after the whole 'body sharing' thing." John was distracted for a moment as he thought of sharing Teyla's body. A smile crept across his face. Teyla was not amused.

"Colonel?"

He snapped out of it. "Oh… yeah." It was getting _very_ warm in here. And she _still_ hadn't pulled her top back down. "Um, so yeah. I thought it would be…" He searched for a word. "…funny…" _so_ not the right one, but it would have to do. "If you and I got locked up together."

Oh yeah. His ass was definitely for it. He was a dead man.

"This-" she looked around. Lorne had left the lights on this time. "-is your idea of fun?"

"What, being locked in a closet with you? Uh, kind of…" He knew he shouldn't have said 'fun'.

"Actually, I just meant being locked in a closet. Do I make it any different?"

"_You have no idea._" He thought to himself.

"Uh… you're nice company." He mentally slapped himself. "_'Nice company', dumbass?_"

"I see."

"Good." He grinned edgily, wishing to God there was air conditioning.

"So how long do we have to stay in here until major Lorne lets us out?"

John toyed with the idea of ordering the man to let him out now, so he could go and jump off a balcony. He opened his mouth.

"Not for about another hour."

Damn. Obviously he'd lost his brain as well as his common sense and sanity.

"Why can't he let us out now?"

"_Good question. Dig yourself out of this hole._"

"Um…something to do with a timer on the door? I wasn't really listening."

"_Nice job, asshole._"

It was at this point, John realised in horror that he had an inner-McKay. He might as well kill himself now. There was no point to his life anymore. Or to he thought, until he saw the look on Teyla's face.

"It is very hot in here." She said, fanning herself with her hands.

John was inclined to agree. He nodded his head, gazing at her stupidly.

"You should remove a garment before you overheat."

Was he hearing her right?

"Uh, what?"

"Your jacket."

He looked down. Ah. He took it off. He started to tie it around his waist, and felt a hand grip his wrist. Despite the heat, Teyla's fingers felt cool. He trembled slightly at her touch.

"Teyla, what-"

She put a finger to his lips and slid her hand up his arm to the back of his neck, sending a shiver running down his spine. Running her fingers through his damp hair, she leaned closer, standing on her tiptoes until her lips were almost touching his.

"What are you doing?" He whispered.

"We have an hour." She said softly. "Why waste it?" Her eyes gleamed.

Thanking God he hadn't asked Lorne for an early release, John pulled her closer until her cool lips met his, wondering when he'd wake up.

oOo

Lorne was anxious. Teyla hadn't sounded too happy on the radio, and if there was one woman that could be responsible for his CO's murder, it would be Teyla. Or Weir on a bad day.

He jumped to his feet when he heard a thud from the inside of the closet. There was silence for a minute. He tapped his earpiece.

"Uh, Teyla? You okay in there?"

More silence.

"Teyla?"

Nothing. Lorne decided to open the door. They'd had just over an hour anyway.

"Okay guys, I think I've got the door open now. I'm coming in."

Lorne wasn't sure, but he was sure he could hear the muffled sounds of activity on the other side of the door. He opened it. He was glad he'd warned them about their imminent interruption.

"Hello." He said, as casually and straight-faced as possible. The pair nodded in greeting, and smiled at the major calmly. Well, as calmly as possible considering the circumstances. John had just finished putting his t-shirt on (it was back to front – Lorne decided to tell him later) and even more unbelievable, Teyla was tugging at the hem of her top, trying to pull it back into place. Both of them looked incredibly flustered, both were attempting – and failing – to look nonchalant, and Sheppard's hair, if possible, was even more messy than usual.

Man. If only this thing wasn't confidential. This would be blackmail material for _months_.

"Sorry about the delay." Lorne said, smiling sweetly.

"It is alright major. It was not a problem. Perhaps someone should ask Dr. Zelenka to fix the door." She smiled at him, glanced at John – Lorne could _swear_ he saw her wink – and walked away. John merely stood and blinked at her retreating form.

"Not a word." He said, not even looking at his second in command. "Ever."

"Wouldn't dream of it, sir." Lorne said, his eyes gleaming more than they should have for a man who was being truthful. John picked his jacket up off the floor and dug into the pocket. He slapped some notes into Lorne's hand.

"Uh, sir? There's too much here." Well, he could be truthful occasionally.

"You can keep the change." Sheppard replied, taking the earpiece that Lorne was now holding out.

Lorne raised an eyebrow. It must have been…interesting…in there. "Really, sir?" he asked, his voice not giving away his amusement.

"I'm feeling generous." Sheppard replied. He ran a hand through his hair, swung his jacket over his shoulder and walked away, whistling as he went. Lorne grinned. "Well. That's very kind of you, sir." He said under his breath. "Uh, Colonel?" He called out. John stopped and spun to face him. "I thought we were going to train?" Lorne's eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Not today, major." Sheppard replied. "I've got a headache." He winked, turned back to the corridor and continued whistling.

oOo

Ronon sat down. Lorne glanced up at him and swallowed his bite of not-quite-food. The guy had a look on his face that suggested he was about to do some serious damage to someone. Lorne hoped it wasn't going to be him.

"Uh…hi."

Glare.

Pause.

"Having a nice day?"

"What have you done to Teyla?"

The not-quite-food almost resurfaced in a choke.

"Huhwha?"

"Teyla. What. Did. You. Do?"

Lorne had a pretty good feeling it _was_ gonna be him.

"Do?"

Flashbacks to Sheppard's backwards t-shirt. Teyla's flustered face. Uh oh. One jealous wookiee.

"Me? Nothing. I didn't do anything." He said quickly.

It was true. He only helped something… be done.

Ronon was glaring again. This guy seriously needed a hug. Just then, Lorne heard a familiar sound coming from the other end of the mess hall. It was the sound of Sheppard telling a joke. Although you could never _hear_ the joke, you knew he was doing it because it was always followed by a woman's laughter. John only ever told jokes to women. And this woman happened to be Teyla. Uh oh, she was touching his arm in a "we're not quite 'just friends' but I don't wanna let you know that so I'll keep my distance slightly" sort of way. Lorne had mastered that way many times. And Ronon had also noticed.

"Whatever you two did, I'll find out." He growled.

"Nothing to find out." Lorne smiled coolly. "Never did anything."

"_You want blood, look at Sheppard. Not my fault he got to her first. Lucky son of a-_"

"Major. Ronon." Sheppard said, nodding a greeting.

"Good morning sir, ma'am." Lorne replied cheerily. Teyla smiled at him, and then raised her eyebrows slightly at Ronon's expression. He nodded curtly, downed the mug of whatever he had and stood up abruptly, before turning and leaving the hall.

"What's up with him?" Sheppard asked.

"He needs a session in the closet."

They both looked at him and chuckled. Lorne grinned back. Maybe some day, he would do that one for free…

* * *

_Well? What did you think? Please let me know! (By way of review, not flame please) because this chapter is making me nervous. Very nervous. I had to tweak this one a lot, then add stuff (thanks for the suggestions Jade Xianghua) and tweak some more._


	3. Volume 3

_Ugh, sorry for the long wait, I had the worst case of writer's block ever. But, thanks to some help from Jade Xianghua, it's finally done. It's probably awful, but meh. Please review and let me know what you think!_

* * *

Lorne was edgy. Well, you would be too if you were being stalked. You'd be even edgier if you were being stalked by Kavanagh. And major Lorne was.

Well, perhaps _stalked_ isn't the right word. But Kavanagh had been appearing wherever Lorne had for two days. Watching. Following. More watching. It was giving Lorne the creeps. He'd even, for a very, very brief moment, considered going to see Heightmeyer about it. But then he slapped himself for being such a pathetic girl. You didn't _ever _volunteer to see the shrink (unless your name is Rodney McKay). You were blackmailed by your superiors into going. Thank God the CO of Atlantis was the understanding type.

Lorne rounded a corner and cursed. Kavanagh was there again. And he'd seen him.

"Major?" He said in what was supposed to be a polite voice. It sounded anything but.

Lorne mustered up a fake smile from somewhere. "Yes, doctor?"

"I've been hearing something about a business you run."

Lorne was unsure what to say. He ran many businesses. All would give Weir a cause to strangle him to death. At least he could blame the bootleg alcohol on Zelenka.

"Oh?" He replied nonchalantly. "And what exactly have you been hearing?"

Kavanagh moved closer. Lorne tried to hide a wince. "About a… closet?"

Lorne was now definitely speechless. He would be the evilest man alive to even consider locking up a woman with Kavanagh. Unless it wasn't a woman…

"Mmh?" He managed to mumble. He struggled to find something to say. "Uh…what about the closet?"

"I want a 'session' in it." He had a creepy look on his face. Lorne was edgy again.

"Uh… who's the lucky…" He almost said 'lady' but now he wasn't so sure. "…person?" He hid a smirk. Lucky was _so_ not the right word to use.

"What, I have to tell you?" Kavanagh sneered.

Was this guy for real?

"Yeah, otherwise how would I arrange for them to be in there?"

"Oh." He replied. "Well…it's uh…dctrhtymr." He mumbled.

"What?" Lorne said, unsure if he had heard correctly. Kavanagh sighed, as though Lorne was being deliberately tedious.

"Doctor Heightmeyer."

Lorne blinked.

"Doctor Heightmeyer? As in doctor Kate? I mean Kate Heightmeyer?" He said, trying to stifle a laugh. No _way_ would he stand a chance with her.

Although, Lorne was considering it. He would be the evilest man alive to lock up a woman with Kavanagh. But Kate Heightmeyer might just be the exception…

Kavanagh rolled his eyes. "Yes, major. Doctor Kate Heightmeyer. I can pay upfront if it makes it any easier." He took out some cash and waved it in Lorne's face.

Man, he was keen. There was a lot of cash.

"So can you do it or not?"

Lorne pondered. As much as he disliked the woman, he disliked Kavanagh more, and trapping anyone with that guy would be enough to drive a person to suicide. But that _was_ a lot of money…

"Sure, I can do it."

oOo

"Hi, Ronon." Lorne swallowed nervously and stood in front of the sitting Satedan. He received a look of disgust in between chewing. When Ronon realised he wouldn't disappear, he exhaled loudly and glanced up.

"What?"

Ronon still hadn't forgiven him for the Sheppard-and-Teyla thing.

"How would you like to earn some cash?"

Ronon stared at him. "Earth money, right? The stuff I can't use?"

"Right." Lorne saw the flaw in his plan. Then he engaged his brain. "But…Earth money is also valid in some places on Atlantis." He chuckled to himself. If this worked, it would be brilliant.

"Like where?" Ronon only looked vaguely like he was paying attention.

Lorne lowered his voice. "Well, uh… I think someone somewhere has some alcohol going for sale. Or some of those smokes you liked so much from that last mission."

He decided not to mention that he was the owner of such items.

"Who?" Ronon wasn't fooled.

"Well, are you in or not?"

"Maybe. What's the plan?"

Lorne's eyes gleamed and he sat down.

oOo

Lorne rubbed his hands in anticipation as he paced by the gym. This was going to work. The plan was flawless. Well, so he hoped. It had been carefully and meticulously deliberated even more than his previous plans.

Suddenly, his nose twitched as it picked up possibly the foulest smell he had ever encountered. It was at least five more seconds before Lorne discovered the source. Kavanagh emerged from behind a corner, looking positively repulsive. His hair was even more slicked back than usual. While most men wash their hair before going on a date, (well, Lorne did. He wasn't so sure about the rest of his species) Kavanagh had merely added more gunk to his. There was a smog surrounding him of the nauseating 'after shave' (it smelt more like concentrated acid) that the major was sure could knock out anyone who got too close. Not that anyone would with Kavanagh anyway. Lorne struggled not to retch as the doctor neared. It took him a lot of willpower to refrain from running to the nearest balcony for air.

He cleared his throat and tried not to breathe. "Doctor."

"Major." He looked down his nose at Lorne. "Well?"

Lorne gestured to the closet. "All yours."

"She's already in there?"

"Not yet. But she'll be here soon. You have to already be in there for it to work. You go in, then I close the door and wait for her."

Kavanagh narrowed his eyes. "You're sure it'll work?"

Lorne rolled his eyes. "Yes. I've done this before. It'll work."

Seemingly satisfied, Kavanagh took a deep breath and stepped inside the closet. Lorne quickly pressed the controls that locked the door and stepped back to admire his handy work.

"Oh yes, Dr. Kavanagh." He said quietly, grinning from ear to ear. "It'll work like a charm."

oOo

Kavanagh hoped his slight claustrophobia wouldn't ruin his encounter with Kate. He'd admired her for months and couldn't understand how she hadn't asked him out on a date yet. She _clearly_ liked him, and he'd dressed up especially. She wouldn't be able to resist. Rubbing his hands together, he looked at the door, willing it to open and for her to be standing there. He'd mentioned his claustrophobia to Lorne, in the hope that he would leave the lights on. The stupid underling however, obviously hadn't paid attention, for it was still dark. He was disappointed in himself that he'd had to resort to using an unsavoury character such as the major to get what he wanted, he didn't like the military being on Atlantis at all. Such a fine place didn't deserve to have clumsy marines and people such as that Colonel and Weir trampling all over it. At least there were beautiful people such as Kate to soften the blow.

Wondering what was taking the major so long, Kavanagh decided to pass the time by looking around. He hadn't managed to see anything when he'd first stepped in, and he cursed as he remembered the flashlight that he'd forgotten to bring. Just then, the lights spring on, and he heard a shuffling noise behind him. He turned around. As the light filled the tiny space, Kavanagh glanced up and screamed. Like a girl.

oOo

Lorne had his ear pressed up against the door. Hearing the scream made him collapse in a fit of laughter. The plan had worked so far. He'd meant to leave the lights off for a few minutes, just for the element of surprise. He was laughing so much he didn't hear the footsteps behind him.

"Major." Sheppard barked loudly. Lorne jumped and scrambled to attention.

"Um…yes, sir?"

"What the hell were you doing?" His CO looked at him as if he were crazy. He glanced at the door Lorne had been leaning against. It looked very familiar. "I thought you didn't listen to your 'clients'?"

"I don't, sir. But this one's a little… unconventional."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow and the leaned in to hear the gossip like an excited teenager. "Oh yeah? Who's in there?"

Lorne pursed his lips trying not to laugh. "Um, Dr. Kavanagh and uh…Ronon."

oOo

"Hi." Ronon grunted.

Kavanagh made a sound similar to a mouse being trodden on, and backed away against the door.

"Wh-what are y-you d-doing in here?" He managed to mumble.

"Admiring the scenery." Ronon had been taking tips from Sheppard and McKay about sarcasm.

"Oh. That's… that's n-nice." Kavanagh replied. His sheer terror was blocking out his sense of humour.

"So." Ronon said. Kavanagh gulped. "What say you and I have a talk?" Ronon stood up to his full height and moved towards the trembling man in front of him.

"A-a-about what?"

Ronon thought for a moment.

"You choose."

"I-I'd rather just get out of here."

A smile crept across Ronon's lips, and he cracked his knuckles loudly. "But we're just getting started."

oOo

_Thump, thump, thump_. It was the sound of a fist hitting a door.

"That was fast." Lorne remarked, checking his watch. "Only four minutes."

"What are you gonna do?" Sheppard asked, barely containing his eagerness to see Kavanagh go through hell.

"I think it was Ronon who knocked. I'd better let them out."

Lorne moved towards the door and fiddled with the control panel for a moment. The door slid open with a hiss, revealing Ronon in the doorway.

"Well?" Sheppard asked. Ronon raised an eyebrow at Lorne, unaware of an extra guest until now. Lorne shrugged. Ronon emerged from the closet.

"No fun at all." He grunted. Lorne and Sheppard peered around the door. There, on the floor, spread-eagled, was Kavanagh.

"Fainted." Ronon stated. Sheppard smirked.

"Again." He said.

Lorne groaned. "Now what do we do with him? We were only gonna spook him a bit."

Sheppard thought for a moment, and then a grin slowly started to spread across his face, getting bigger and bigger and making his eyes flash.

"What say the four of us go on a little field trip?"

"Where?" Lorne asked, hiding his fear at the maniacal look on his CO's face.

Sheppard licked his lips. "Help me up with him and I'll show you."

Lorne looked at Sheppard and then at Ronon. Ronon looked at Lorne and then at Sheppard. They both shrugged.

"Sure." They said in unison, and stepped into the closet.

oOo

Lorne, Ronon and John stepped back to admire their handiwork and chuckled simultaneously.

"What'll we do with these?" Ronon asked, gesturing to the bundle of garments on the floor by Kavanagh's feet.

"Take 'em with us." Sheppard replied, bending to pick them up. It had taken them a good fifteen minutes to get to where they were. After checking to see that the doctor was, in fact, still alive, Lorne acted as look-out while Sheppard and Ronon had dragged Kavanagh to the nearest transporter.

"God help us if he wakes up…" Lorne had muttered as they carefully removed the doctor's clothes. There had been some debate as to whether to leave the underwear on. Sheppard thought it would be more fun without it. Lorne and Ronon had disagreed. Ronon was bigger than Sheppard, so they won.

"Well if he does wake up," Sheppard had replied while struggling with Kavanagh's boots, "take what clothes you have and run like hell."

There had been a gleam in his eyes that made Lorne question whether his CO was feeling alright. Although, the gleam had been permanent since his encounter with Teyla in the closet. Lorne wasn't the only one to have noticed.

"Now what?" Ronon asked, also recognising the gleam and scowling a little.

"Now," John replied, ignoring his glare, "we execute what I like to call 'a strategic retreat'. Right, major?" He glanced at Lorne.

"Right, sir." It wasn't a convincing reply. The three men gathered up the clothes, turned and walked away from the unconscious form of the semi-naked man spread out on the floor of the deserted part of the city.

"Lorne, are you okay?" Sheppard asked as they exited the transporter. He was concerned. As much fun as this was, he didn't want to push his second in command into an awkward position.

"I'm just wondering what Dr. Weir will say if she finds out it was us."

"I'll deal with her." John replied decisively. "Hey, have you still got the money he paid you?"

"Yes, sir, it's in my quarters." Lorne replied.

"Right, well I suggest we return it to Dr. Kavanagh's quarters."

"Why?" asked Ronon.

"So that if he figures out it was us and blames you cause he paid you, you can say you have no idea what he's talking about, and not have the cash to implicate you."

"You seem to be an expert on this sort of stuff, sir." Lorne remarked.

Sheppard merely smiled in response. "You'd better go see to that cash, major."

"Yes, sir." He replied, and walked away. John grinned at Ronon.

"Any idea where McKay might be?"

Ronon raised a quizzical eyebrow and pointed behind Sheppard. John turned around.

"Hey, Rodney!" He called, suddenly spotting the Canadian.

Rodney sighed. Would the man ever stop irritating him?

"What?" He said, stopping so that the colonel could catch him up.

"I was wondering if you could do me a favour."

On the opposite side of the city, a semi-naked American doctor had just come to and gotten an almighty shock.

oOo

"Colonel Sheppard." Weir called down the stairs of the control room. "My office. Now."

She did not sound like a happy bunny. John glanced at Lorne, who had just emerged from an adjoining corridor. Lorne looked worried.

Sheppard made his way up the stairs and walked calmly past the control room, ignoring the significant glances the technicians were giving each other. They all knew that when Elizabeth Weir used that tone, someone was about to pay for something. Most likely in the most undignified way possible.

"What can I do for you?" He asked cheerfully, walking in.

"Shut the door." She said, not looking up from her tablet PC.

Sheppard turned to close the door and rolled his eyes. This was not going to be pretty.

"Sit." She instructed. He sat. He waited. She finished whatever she was doing, placed her hands on her desk and gave the Colonel her best 'you are so busted' glare. He stared back in the most non-challenging way possible.

"Why, John?" She said, exasperated. He looked nonchalant.

"Why…what?" She sighed.

"Doctor Kavanagh has filed an official complaint."

"Good for him." John said.

"No, John, _not_ good for him." She said, standing up. She still had her hands on her desk, so was leaning forward. She looked menacing. And John rarely thought that about women.

"Okay…not good for him. What's he complaining about?" She was glaring at him again.

"He is complaining that Ronon threatened him, major Lorne defrauded him out of a substantial amount of money, and that _somehow_, he just managed to end up unconscious and half-naked on the opposite side of the city!" She had upped the volume on her voice. Sheppard did his best not to wince.

"AND, _conveniently_, all of the transporters in that area just happened to go offline at the same time, meaning he had to walk for nearly two miles through the city in only his underwear."

John pursed his lips. If he smirked he would be a dead man.

"This is NOT funny." She snapped.

Too late. He was dead.

"Look." He said in his best 'negotiator' voice. "Kavanagh seems to be overreacting a little." Elizabeth opened her mouth to retort but John continued.

"I personally think he has a vendetta against Ronon after the whole 'interrogation' thing. He'd jump at any chance to get Ronon back for that. You know what Ronon's like with people – he looks threatening to everyone. As far as I know, major Lorne does not have anything that belongs to Dr. Kavanagh, including his cash, however I will double-check that with him. As for Kavanagh ending up way out there, well, maybe he sleepwalks. And I have no idea about the transporters."

"Well, what about how he managed to end up HALF-NAKED?" She was loud enough to be heard in the control room. The techs stopped what they were doing and glanced up sympathetically. Kavanagh had it coming. They just wished they'd thought of it first.

Sheppard was about to reply when there was a knock on the door.

"What?" Weir barked. Definitely _not_ a happy bunny. She rarely barked.

The door opened, and major Lorne appeared.

"I was wondering if I could have a word, Dr. Weir." He said. He seemed tense. She sighed.

"Can it wait, major? I'm in the middle of something right now."

Sheppard glanced at Lorne frantically, knowing what he was about to do.

"No. I'm afraid it can't." He looked calmly at his CO. Sheppard shouldn't have to take the blame. The closet was his responsibility.

Weir closed her eyes for a moment and then turned back at John.

"We will continue this later."

He nodded and walked towards the door, patting Lorne on the shoulder as he went. He closed the door behind him, and heard Lorne step towards Weir's desk.

"God help you, major." He muttered to himself.

oOo

Lorne was in the dog house. Weir was furious at him. The techs hadn't heard the entire conversation, but they got the gist of it. Apparently, Weir wasn't impressed at his 'business venture'. He'd had to tell her pretty much everything. He didn't mention any names of his clients, but he had to mention about receiving money from them. He didn't mention Sheppard and Ronon's involvement either.

The dressing down went on for a while, but ultimately, Lorne was military which meant that Sheppard had to be the one to discipline him. About half an hour after he went in, Lorne emerged from Weir's office looking utterly humiliated. He knew that the control room had heard everything, so hurried past them to report to Sheppard's office. That was where he would receive his punishment. It was most likely he would be reassigned back to Earth.

"Major?" One of the techs said to him as he passed. Lorne glanced at the man. He was a Canadian sergeant. He couldn't remember his name.

"For what it's worth… we thought it was great." He gestured at everyone else in the control room who were nodding sympathetically. Even Rodney. Of course, the transporter malfunction was his fault. Lorne didn't mention that to Weir either. He'd been quite a gentleman about it. He could have implicated loads of other people, including the CO and chief scientist of Atlantis, but didn't. Rodney admired him for that.

"Thanks." Lorne said quietly, before continuing down the stairs. No one saw Dr. Weir observing the control room from her office, a grim look on her face.

Lorne reached Sheppard's office and knocked on the open door.

"Sir?" He said.

John glanced up from behind his desk. "Hi. Come in."

Lorne stepped in the office, and left the door open. He sat in the chair John gestured to and took a deep breath.

"I take it Dr. Weir gave you a grilling?" He asked. Lorne nodded.

"Well, then I guess it's up to me to decide your punishment."

Lorne said nothing and looked at the floor.

"See, now, that's tricky. Because I don't see a reason to punish you." Lorne glanced up in surprise.

"Given the fact that not only was the semi-naked-Kavanagh thing my idea, but I paid you money for your um… business. So here's what I'm gonna do. Your punishment will be to train the newbies how to fly the Puddle Jumpers."

"But they've already been trained how to fly them, sir." Lorne said.

"I know. Which is why it will make life easier for you, while still seeming like a punishment. Weir knows that everyone hates training newbs. What she doesn't know is that they have _all_ been trained. And what she doesn't know won't hurt her. And you'll get to spend some time in the sky rather than taking alternative routes around the city to avoid her death-ray glares." John grinned. It made Lorne feel more at ease.

"Yes, sir."

"Dismissed, major. Your 'punishment' will start tomorrow morning at eight."

Lorne saluted and exited his office. John chuckled. His jubilant feeling was ruined slightly when Dr. Weir stuck her head around his office door from where she had been eavesdropping. She gave him a famous 'death-ray glare'.

"YOUR idea?" She bellowed.

* * *

_I just could not bring myself to remove Kavanagh's underwear. My fingers refused to type it._


	4. Volume 4

_I cannot believe how long it has taken me to finish this chapter. I am actually ashamed of myself. I got the first half done ages ago but couldn't seem to finish it. I hope everyone likes it, please let me know what you think. And sorry again for the long wait!_

* * *

The pressure on Lorne had been relaxed slightly after Weir found out about Sheppard's shenanigans. Instead of furious glances being thrown at him from time to time, the Colonel bore the brunt of the dirty looks. But, something – Lorne was determined to find out what – seemed to make Sheppard completely oblivious to the silent treatment he was supposed to be experiencing, and any icy comments made appeared to bounce straight off him. Maybe it was all that hair gel. 

The closet hadn't been mentioned again. The entire city seemed to realise the consequences of one Major trying to make light of an otherwise over-stressed and over-worked environment; it meant you got newbie-duty.

Kavanagh had relaxed the charges against Lorne (either Weir had been brave enough to talk to him or Ronon had decided on another little chat) and everything had pretty much gone back to normal. Lorne still had to endure newb flying lessons though, as well as Jumper-cleaning duty.

The tranquil mood however was spoiled slightly when, somehow, Colonel Caldwell and Dr. Weir had 'mysteriously' ended up being locked in a transporter together. No-one knew who had arranged it (though there were only a few who could manage to isolate a single transporter and disconnect the power to its system), but one person got the blame.

"Major Lorne, this is Weir. Report to my office immediately."

Lorne looked up from the Puddle Jumper he was scrubbing, unhooked the radio from his ear, flung it to the ground and groaned.

"Dammit."

oOo

"Honestly, Dr. Weir. I haven't a clue."

"I somehow find that difficult to believe, Major."

"I understand my previous reputation with such matters could be a factor in this, but I swear to you ma'am, I don't know a thing about it."

Weir placed her hands on her desk, looked at the floor and sighed loudly.

"I promise you, Dr. Weir. I learned my lesson. I wouldn't betray your trust like that again."

She looked up into his concerned eyes and realised he was being sincere.

"Especially not with him." He added quietly, before mentally kicking himself. That was supposed to be the voice of his conscience, not his actual voice.

Weir raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And why's that?" A ghost of a smile crept across her lips.

"Well, I…" He stuttered, panic filling his eyes. "What I meant was… He uh…"

An actual smile crossed her face. "It's alright Major, I was kidding."

"Oh." He exhaled in relief.

"Alright." She said, getting back to the matter at hand. "I accept that you had nothing to do with this morning's… incident." She pursed her lips. Apparently, being locked in a confined space with Steven Caldwell had not been a pleasant experience. Neither party had said anything about it, but while Caldwell had looked rather shifty when he had emerged, Elizabeth Weir had not looked impressed. "Do you have any idea who could possibly be involved?"

Lorne thought for a moment. Colonel Sheppard sure had the wicked streak to do it, but he might not necessarily have the technological skills, such as those possessed by someone like McKay or Zelenka. Kavanagh was capable of course, revenge perhaps? The of course there was that Canadian technician-Sergeant-dude… not only had he sympathised with Lorne, but he seemed the type that was up to the job.

"No, ma'am. I'm afraid I don't."

"Very well. You're free to go now, Major. Interrogation over." The last bit was an attempt at making Lorne feel better. She felt slightly guilty at the harsh way she'd treated him before. Okay, so what he did was wrong, but he was only trying to lighten people up. After all they'd been through, they needed more people like him.

"If I hear anything ma'am, I'll be sure to let you know." He meant it. He'd rather be on Weir's side than not. Even if it meant his team resented him for it.

She smiled. She knew what a sacrifice that might be for him. "Thank you."

He nodded and left. He hadn't been inside Weir's office since she'd reprimanded him about the closet, and at least this time he could leave with his head held high. Well, not _too_ high. Wouldn't want to fall over any balconies or anything…

oOo

"He's sorry."

"I told you he would be."

"It still doesn't make what you did right."

A grin. "But you have to admit, it was fun."

Silence.

"Right?"

A sigh. "No. Not all that much."

"No?" A pause. The grin faded. "Oh."

"It was… uncomfortable. There was nothing much to say."

"I knew it would be a bad idea."

"Why?"

"Caldwell's not your type."

"Really? And who exactly _is_ my type?"

More silence. Two pairs of eyes watched Major Lorne walk below their balcony towards a transporter.

"If you don't know that by now, I'm not going to tell you."

"I hope you're not thinking what I think you're thinking."

A smirk. "What, is thinking illegal now?"

A dirty look. "Just consider it as a warning."

Weir started to walk down the stairs. Oddly enough, in the direction the Major had gone. "Okay. I consider myself warned." A mischievous grin.

"You dare." She replied.

Before anything more could be said, the transporter door closed.

"Or what?" Sheppard muttered to himself, rubbing his hands together in a scheming manner.

oOo

"C'mon, it'll be fun."

"I'm sorry, sir. I gave her my word."

"It's just one more job, Major."

Lorne stood up. What Sheppard was asking would betray her trust, and he wasn't going to do that again.

"No, sir. I won't do it. I'm sorry. You'll just have to find someone else." At that, Lorne stood up and walked out of the mess hall, which seemed to be the think tank for all evil plots concocted in Atlantis.

"That, Major…" John said to himself, winking at McKay on the other side of the room, "…was the right answer."

Anyone else in the room who had just spotted Colonel Sheppard winking at the chief male scientist of Atlantis would have had genuine reason to question whether the men were spending a little too much time together. But for Cadman and Teyla, who were observing nearby, it meant something different.

"I believe that now is the time." Teyla said.

"Yup." Laura replied. "Let's go."

The two women exited the mess hall. Sheppard made his way over to Rodney.

"All set?" The Colonel asked.

"Almost." The scientist replied.

"Great." John grinned.

"She's gonna kill us."

"Oh yeah. We're dead men."

Rodney groaned. "Wonderful."

"Hey, if you're gonna go, you wanna go with as much mayhem as possible, right?"

Rodney glared at him for a moment, before considering what he'd said.

"Right."

oOo

"Light sticks?" John asked, reading from a list.

"Check." Rodney confirmed, placing the items on the desk in front of them.

"Tarp?"

"Check." Rodney repeated, picking up the folded waterproof sheet and setting it next to the previous item.

"Ice?"

"Check." A bag of ice cubes was dumped on top of the tarp.

"Bucket?"

"Check."

"Storage crate?"

"Check. It's all there."

John opened the crate and started laying all of the items in the box.

"Okay, good. Let's get this stuff to Cadman and Teyla, they're sorting out the rest." He said, placing the last object in the box. "Have you fixed everything else?"

"Almost, Sergeant Canada in the control room's just finishing with a few details."

John slammed the lid of the crate shut and looked quizzically at McKay.

"Sergeant Canada?" He asked mockingly, raising an eyebrow.

"Well I can't remember his name." Rodney muttered irately. "He's a Sergeant and he's Canadian. I bet you don't know his name either."

"Rodney, as the commanding officer of the city, I have much more important things to worry about than the names of all of the people on this base." John said nonchalantly, trying not to show his disgust at the fact that Rodney was, yet again, correct. "Besides, why's he doing it? I thought you were supposed to be fixing it."

"Yes, well I was, but then this flyboy guy with crazy hair and a big ego decided to pull me away from that job and sent me on a treasure hunt instead."

Rodney placed his hands on his hips and glared accusingly at the Colonel. John rolled his eyes, deciding he couldn't be bothered to get into an argument about ego sizes.

"Okay, fine. Let's go and find the other two. Help me with this, will ya?" John grabbed the handle of the crate and gestured at the opposite end of the box. Rodney sighed, took the other handle, and helped John carry it to the transporter.

"So remind me again why we're doing this?" Rodney panted as he struggled with the box.

"Because Lorne got his ass kicked for that closet thing." John replied.

"But it was his idea." Rodney protested.

"And I condoned it. Hell, I even did it myself."

Rodney snorted.

"Don't even pretend you weren't involved, Rodney. You and I both know what you got up to in there."

Rodney spluttered. "How do you know what happened?"

"It's amazing what you can find out when you give a woman chocolate." John's eyes gleamed.

Rodney coughed once. "Oh."

oOo

"Major! Wait up!"

Lorne sighed and turned around to face his CO, who was jogging towards him.

"Colonel Sheppard, with all due respect, there is no way I'm going to set up the closet again. I don't even care if it's for the General, I'm not doing it."

John caught up to him and dismissed what Lorne had said with a wave of his hand.

"Never mind about that, it doesn't matter. You were right, it was a dumb idea."

"Oh." Lorne said, thoroughly embarrassed. "In that case, what can I do for you, sir?"

"McKay needs you in the Jumper bay stat."

"Me, sir? What for?"

"Well, I could try and explain the long-winded and frankly thoroughly boring explanation he gave me, but to be honest, I didn't listen to a word of it. Something about control diagnostics overlapping with the influx…ablator…doohickey…thing."

Lorne raised an eyebrow.

"I think it would be better if you go and see what he wants."

Lorne nodded. "Yes, sir. I think that would be for the best." He chuckled at Sheppard's mock-offended expression and doubled back to a transporter.

The Colonel reached up to his radio and tapped it.

"Standby."

There was no reply. John watched Lorne step into the transporter and, as the doors started to close, he tapped his radio again.

"Now!"

The doors slid shut with a hiss, and after a moment, Sheppard's radio crackled and a voice spoke.

"It worked."

John grinned like a Cheshire cat and rubbed his hands together.

"One down, one to go."

oOo

Weir sat at her desk, flicking absently through a mission report on her computer. At least, to an outside observer, that's what it looked like. In fact, she was actually playing solitaire. Sometimes, after listening to Kavanagh complain a thousand times in one morning, after a stack of paperwork that seems to have a life of its own, being locked in a small space with Caldwell, and having to deal with a bunch of childish marines who decided start a water fight in their time off, a woman just needs some down time. A cup of coffee, a comfy chair, and a computer game that doesn't need a lot of thought. Elizabeth was playing solitaire almost every evening now. She was so engrossed in trying to ignore the outside world that she almost didn't hear the knock on her door.

"Doctor Weir?"

She closed the game and snapped her head up, trying to look busy.

"Teyla." She replied, smiling. "What can I do for you?"

"I have a message for you from Doctor McKay. He wishes to see you as soon as possible."

"Well why didn't he just radio me?" Weir asked suspiciously. After what had happened to her that morning, she had promised herself to be wary of everyone from now on.

"I'm afraid I do not know. He mentioned something about a report and asked if you could please go down to his lab."  
Teyla knew her excuse was unconvincing, but hopefully it would work. Weir could sense Teyla's shiftiness, but decided that today was just going to have to be one of those days where everything would happen and nothing could phase her. She went with it.

"Alright, Teyla. Thank you for letting me know. I'll go and see him now."

She locked her computer, stood up and walked out of the room towards a transporter, vowing that if John Sheppard had anything to do with this, she'd make sure he wouldn't see the inside of a Puddle Jumper for a month unless it was to scrub the floors. She didn't see McKay duck behind a control panel and push a few buttons as she stepped into the transporter.

oOo

Lorne stepped out of the transporter and found himself suddenly disorientated. Instead of the familiar walls of the hallway near the Jumper bay he was supposed to have arrived in, he was staring at a dark corridor he didn't recognise. The lights were dim, as if the generator wasn't producing enough power to light them, or someone had lowered the power. A yellow glow was coming from somewhere around a corner.

"Hello? Dr. McKay?" He called into the dark haze. There was no reply.

"McKay?" He tried again. Still nothing. Something wasn't right. He shouldn't have ended up here.

He turned around and pressed the transporter controls. Nothing happened. He reached up to his ear and tapped his radio.

"Colonel Sheppard?"

There was no response. He tapped it again.

"Colonel Sheppard, this is Major Lorne, please respond."

His radio didn't seem to be sending or receiving a signal. Something was wrong. There was no sign of McKay or anyone else, and it was too dark. His hand slid to the gun in his thigh holster and he unhooked it, pointing it in front of him as he stepped silently into the hallway. He moved cautiously, eyes and ears open for any signs of danger or a possible ambush. You never knew in Atlantis.

He decided to go in the opposite direction of the yellow glow. He had a feeling that the stairs weren't that way, and now that the transporter was out of commission, he'd rather have some back-up if he was going to be wandering around an unknown part of the city in the near-dark.

He rounded a corner and spotted the stairs. Still alert, he made his way over to them. He was about to place his foot on the first step when he heard a noise behind him. Not directly behind him, but from the way he came. It sounded like the hiss of an opening door. Maybe it was McKay. Then again, maybe not. He spun and stalked quickly back down the corridor, keeping his handgun raised. He rounded the corner and almost fired a round in surprise.

"I hope you aren't going to shoot me, Major."

Lorne stared for a moment before lowering the weapon.

"Sorry, Dr. Weir. I wasn't expecting you to be here. I was expecting Dr. McKay."

"That's odd, so was I."

"Really? Colonel Sheppard said McKay needed me to help him with the Jumpers."

"Oh." Weir said, glancing around. "I was supposed to be looking over one of his reports. I see no Jumpers or reports."

"Nope. My radio isn't working, ma'am. Do you have yours?"

"Yes I do." She smiled and tapped her earpiece.

"Colonel Sheppard?"

"Yes, Elizabeth?" He replied sweetly.

"What are you up to?" She asked suspiciously.

"Follow the yellow glow and you'll see." She glanced at Lorne, who waved his hand at the corridor.

The radio fell silent, before clicking off.

"Yellow light it is then." Lorne muttered, making his way down the hall, still gripping his handgun, with Weir close behind. Now that Lorne thought about it, the yellow glow looked kind of familiar. It was a fluorescent colour, almost like the glow of…

"Light sticks?" Weir said as they rounded the corner. Right in front of them was a small alcove leading on to a balcony. The alcove was lit by about six light sticks placed around the edge of the floor. The door opened as they neared, and Lorne smiled. On the balcony was a table. Or rather, a storage crate with a tarp draped over the top of it. On the 'table', was a bucket of ice. In the bucket of ice lay a bottle of champagne. Next to the bucket sat two stainless-steel mugs. No one on Atlantis really drank out of glasses.

"I knew he was up to something." Elizabeth groaned, giving an exasperated look.

The Major frowned. "I'm not sure I understand, ma'am."

"Colonel Sheppard felt that I was too hard on you about the closet incident, especially seeing as he was largely involved in that…operation."

Lorne shuffled his feet.

"He also confessed to being the one that locked me up with Colonel Caldwell this morning."

He looked up. "He did?"

"Yes, he did. You're off the hook." She gave him a warm smile. "It appears he's trying to make it up to the both of us."

"By… trapping us in a dark, isolated part of the city with little or no contact with the rest of the city and at least a fifteen minute walk to any form of civilisation?" Lorne asked cynically.

She contemplated this for a moment before chuckling and nodding her head.

"You're right. It seems more like revenge for something."

"Then I guess revenge is best served ice cold." He replied, taking the bottle out of the bucket. "And fizzy." He added, opening the bottle and managing to dodge the burst of froth that cascaded from the top. She chuckled and held up a mug. He poured some champagne into each mug, before clinking his against hers.

"Cheers." He said.

"Cheers." She replied.

oOo

Sheppard was nervous. As was McKay. It was too weird. It shouldn't be happening. Elizabeth Weir…was being _nice_ to them. She'd greeted them politely when she'd seen them in the mess hall that morning, and referred to them as 'gentlemen'. She'd actually smiled. Lorne had saluted at his CO, and wished him a good morning when John had passed the Major while on a jog. It was creeping him out. Although Lorne was a trained marine, and was more than capable of causing him some harm if he put his mind to it, assaulting anyone, especially a senior officer, was the fastest way to a court-martial. Lorne wasn't that stupid. Weir, however…now _that_ was a woman that was to be feared. John had learned that getting on the wrong side of her was not the smartest thing to do. And he and McKay had done just that. So why wasn't she reaping vengeance? Whatever happened to "Hell hath no fury"?

Normally, he'd be relieved that he still had all his limbs and…other body parts. But after Caldwell, and _then_ Lorne, he should at least be limping by now.

Just then, the familiar Scottish accent of Carson Beckett came over the city-wide speaker. "Colonel Sheppard, please report to the infirmary."

"Aw man." Sheppard groaned. "Now what?"

He got up from his office chair and dragged himself along the corridors to the torture chamber of Doctor Beckett, who was a little trigger happy with needles when it came to Sheppard.

"You buzzed?" He said, walking in to Carson's office.

"Aye, Colonel. Routine examination, nothing to worry about. Follow me."

John frowned, wary of a trap-in-progress, but followed the doctor to a curtained-off bed.

"Hop up on here and I'll take a wee look at you." He patted the bed, before pulling the curtain fully around them.

John sat for a full thirty minutes while Carson poked, prodded, scanned, X-rayed, listened to, and took blood samples from various parts of his body.

"You done yet?" He grumbled, as Carson jabbed him with another needle and drew blood.

"Hold yer horses, son. These things take time." John scowled.

"Okay. All done." Beckett said, patting the Colonel's arm.

"Great, I can stop being a human pin cushion now." He replied, pulling on his t-shirt.

The physician chuckled. "Off you go then. I'll have the test results in a few hours."

oOo

John glanced edgily around the hallway he was about to step into. He was still trying to dodge Weir. Her behaviour towards him was really creeping him out.

He walked down the corridor, entered the crowded the mess hall and stood in the lunch queue. He glanced around again for Weir and Lorne, but there was no sign. At least he wouldn't be ambushed by them-

"Colonel!" Carson said cheerily from behind him, making him jump.

"Carson." John nodded in greeting, attempting to hide his embarrassment.

"I have your test results back, lad. They're not good, I'm afraid."

A look of panic flashed across Sheppard's face. "Huh?"

"Nope. I'm afraid you've got a wee infection."

"Infection?" John asked, trying to ignore the odd looks he was receiving from a few people nearby. Carson was talking rather loudly.

"Aye. Downstairs, if you know what I mean." He nodded his head at the floor. "It's a rather nasty rash, you've got there, I'm going to have to give you some ointment."

John looked horrified. Carson was practically shouting over the din of the crowd.

"Doc, I haven't got a rash. Down there or _anywhere_." He spluttered, realising that the Scot could be heard over everyone's chattering. About twenty people were now staring at them.

"Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, son. Lots of people get lice."

"_Lice_?!" John screeched. The twenty people had now doubled, and they were all giggling.

"Aye. If you pop back to the infirmary after lunch, I'll prescribe you some cream. But you'll have to make sure you wash your hands after putting it on, wouldn't want the lice to spread to your head."

Somewhere behind them, John heard a familiar snort of amusement. He clenched his fists and growled at the Canadian.

"Oh, Rodney. That reminds me." Carson called to the giggling scientist. "I've found a cream that'll sort out your wee fungus problem."

Rodney instantly stopped giggling and turned a deep shade of scarlet. "Fungus?" He spluttered.

"Aye. Hopefully it'll do the trick in about a month. Until then, I'm afraid neither of you can leave the city. No flying, no missions. You're both grounded."

"WHAT?!" John and Rodney screamed in unison, managing to be heard over the laughter of everyone in the room.

Just then, as if in slow motion, the hysterical crowds parted and Weir and Lorne could be seen entering the mess hall, looking completely smug. John caught Elizabeth's eye, and she winked. He scowled.

"I knew I could get them grounded for a month if I put my mind to it." She said to Lorne, chuckling. "That should teach him."

"Yes, ma'am." Lorne replied, laughing at the pained expression on McKay's face. "Remind me _never_ to get on the wrong side of you again, Doctor Weir."

She smiled at him. "Oh, I don't know Evan. It wasn't all _that_ bad."

He returned the smile as he remembered the night they'd spent on the starlit balcony sipping champagne and chatting about anything other than Atlantis. Except, of course, when they had thought of their revenge plan and gone to arrange it with Carson. He hadn't seen a problem with it. He felt the pair deserved it after all the commotion they'd caused. And it had given him an excuse to stick needles in two of his most problematic patients.

Major Lorne looked at the leader of Atlantis for a moment, and then back to the happy crowd.

"No, Elizabeth. I guess it wasn't."

* * *

_I think that's it finished. Please let me know if you like it. By the way, neither John nor Rodney actually have any medical problems, lol. It was just an idea that came to me. Originally I called Major Lorne 'Marcus' in the last few lines, but (thanks Padme4000 for letting me know) I just KNEW that as soon as I gave him a first name, the official one would be released. IMdB says his name's Evan, so there you go. I've had to repost with Evan instead of Marcus._


End file.
